‘I want to love you’

Yesterday, this is what I was told. I want to love you, but….. I don’t know about anyone else but hearing that troubled me. I mean it really bothered me. Loving someone should be an easy thing, right? At least I believe it should be. To love someone regardless of their flaws can be difficult for some, but that unconditional love is what I believe most of us truly want. To be able to be your true self and have someone see you, I mean really see you and love all of you. The good, the bad and the ugly.  I believe that when you truly love someone, that’s how you’re suppose to love them. Some people are only suppose to be in your life for a season, not for the rest of your life. Love isn’t something that you can just turn on and off like a light switch. I want to love you but… What does that even mean? I want to love you, but you make it hard. somethings in life are worth fighting for and it want be easy. I want to love you, but I just can’t open up to you. Being vulnerable, sharing that private part of yourself, that’s love. I love you, but because of my insecurities I can’t see that I’m the reason I can’t love you. So because of some things that happen to you as a child, that you haven’t yet dealt with, I have to suffer. I want to love you, but it’s hard for me to communicate or express myself. Communication is the key to a healthy relationship. If you want to love me, then love me. Tell me what’s going on with you. What you’re feeling. What you want out of this relationship. Just share your life with me and don’t run away when things get a little uncomfortable. Stand for me, for us. Love me enough to love me through the ups and the downs. Instead of looks that could kill, maybe try looking at me with an open heart. You might need some time to learn to love yourself before you can understand how to love me. Twenty years of my love, my support, my understanding, my loyalty. Twenty years of sarcasm, my fowl mouth, my giving heart, my sharp tongue. I’m a flawed individual, but when I love, I love whole heartedly. I give you my all, my everything. Then you turn around and say it aint enough, by your words and your actions. I feel as if you want all the riches of the world and I’m unable to lavish you as you desire. I want to love you, but…This has triggered some of my insecurities. Why is it when someone has told you over and over with their words and their actions that you aren’t the one, you keep holding on thinking that just maybe you’ll be enough, but you know deep down that you never will be. Now you’re seeing my insecurities. They keep me hanging on even when I know I should move on. My love and fear keep me paralyzed, glued to where I stand. What keeps you linked to me, I know its not love, because you want to love me, but…. But do you even like me? I wish I could see your heart, cause your words and your eyes, their tearing me apart. You leave me laying motionless, bitter and broken. I want to love you. Then love me.

S.B. Auzenne

“Love recognizes no barriers. It jumps hurdles, leaps fences, penetrates walls to arrive at its destination full of hope.”   Maya Angelou..

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Kindness

This word has been hunting me lately. Nagging at my soul.  To be kind, can be difficult when you have someone treating you unfairly, yet they want to be treated with kindness and a gentle hand. You see my first instinct is to treat them as I have been treated. Then this voice within yells, screams, KINDNESS! And I lay down my sword of words and quiet my mind and allow peace to comfort me. I have to believe that those who seek to keep me in a box, to contain my opinion or my wit. For those who subject me to the pain they hold within. I have to believe that I’m hearing that word KINDNESS for a reason. That I’m being tested and although I want to lash out, I don’t.  I smile and show kindness, cause my heart needs the peace. SBA

You

6/5/18

You look at me as if you know me. The real me. The me I hide from everyone else. You love me as I love myself. Openly and unconditionally. You see the truth that I hide through my pain, and sarcasm. You cut through my sharp words and see me despite what I say. You some how connect with me. You know me as I  know myself.  I have found you, you whom I’ve felt in my spirit for so long. You, who have seen me, the true me like know other has. I’m almost there. Almost ready for what the future tales. I’m almost ready for you to love me, as you already do. For you to look at me as you do. I’m tired of hiding, pretending to be, what I’m clearly not. I’m almost ready, yet still afraid that you just may not be ready for who I am. For who I am may not be who I truly am.

S.B. Auzenne

 

Black Panther

Black Panther, this is what everybody has been talking about. I too, have seen the movie. I went opening weekend, something I usually don’t do. But this movie was special to me and my kids. We are big Marvel fans that were excited about seeing this extraordinary cast of all black, talented, beautiful and handsome individuals.  I was so excited about this movie after getting a taste of the black panther in Captain America ‘Civil War’ Chadwicks Boseman is an actor that draws you in and captivates you with his portrayal of whatever charater he is taking on. He had me thinking he was really TChalla King of Wakanda. Truly loved him in this movie. I’m not very biased, being that I have loved to him in everything that I’ve seen him in. Wakanda forever! Plus the brother is not bad on the eyes. 😉

Okay, forgive me for my procrastinating, but I have been mentally unable to write. I just haven’t been able to get my thoughts together. Now just like alot of people this past weekend. I went and saw Black Panther. I sat in a packed theater with my popcorn, water and candy, and barely ate any of it, because I was so memorized by this movie. It kept me drawn in even during the split second of a slow moving section of the movie. But then Bam! The section is over and I am clapping, laughing, crying, cheering, I’m just a ball of emotions watching this thought provoking and funny film. Visually this movie was spectacular, I mean the special effect are off the chain, when I tell you I must have said look how beautiful at least 10 times, at least to myself that is. The special effects and the visual aspects of this movie, was phenomenal, I mean spectacular, the wardrobe was so creatively thought through and beautiful . The details, I mean every little detail were stunning. I fell in love with these characters. From the strong women defending Wakanda to the love between brother and sister TChalla and Shuri. Their brother sister relationship was fun and lighthearted and very comical. Shuri (Letitia Wright) was definitely  my favorite character, she’s  smart, beautiful and quick on her feet with the little jives at her brother. There were exceptional performance from everyone all around. Danai Gurira, Michael B. Jordan, Lupita Nyong’o, Daniel Kaluuya, Winston Duke along with many others. This action packed movie was a work of art directed by 31 year old Ryan Coolgler. He captured the beauty of a fictional place and made me feel as if I was apart of Wakanda. Now every great super hero movie needs an even greater villian, and you gave me a villian I could love and hate. You feel empathy for the Killmonger character (Michael B. Jordan) Then he does what he does and says what he says, and your like damn, he’s a monster. An angry man, filled with rage and recentment. He was totally vicious. What I really liked about this movie is that there was a message there. You leave there thinking this was awesome. This was beyond exceptional and then you start thinking about how we can’t live in our own little bubble and not see what’s going on around us and not react or try to help in anyway we can. We can know longer stay silent. We will know longer stand by while people are suffering, hungry or thirsty for knowledge that is out of their reach. By working together the cycle can be broken. This movie was deep. Two thumbs way up.  The music was also great throughout the entire movie. Once you see this movie, you will understand the excitement behind it. Go and see it!

S.B. Auzenne

What are the chances

I wrote a book that’s on amazons ebooks that now looking over it. I should definitely do some rewrites. Here’s a bit of it.  Please, tell me what you think.–

Then I proceeded to ask her if she picked out the music for this evening. She smiled and said no dear, it was all Thomas. Then she told me to turn around. When I did, Thomas was standing in front of me with his hands out reaching for mine. I quickly glanced around the room and saw my girls were all gasping, It was then that I realized that this was it. He’s going to propose. My hands began to shake. I took a deep breath and released it. Then Thomas began: “You look ravishing tonight.” He said. “So do you.” I replied back. Thomas laughed and said thank you. “Natalie, it was a year ago today that I fell in love with you, and I have loved you every day since. With each passing day my feelings just intensified. Your passion for life inspires me. You make me try harder in everything I do. I want to be the best version of myself for you always. Thomas dropped to one knee. My heart was beating so fast, I felt as if I was going to faint. He looked up at me with those eyes and I almost dropped down to my knees just to be beside him. “Natalie,  I will support you in everything you do. You will have my admiration and my heart until the day of my last breath.”  Thomas pulled out the ring and by this point I was full on crying. “Natalie, I hope that you will allow me to love you and laugh with you for all the days of our lives. Will you do me the honor of becoming my wife?” “Yes” I said, and he wiped away my tears and kissed me. Everyone was clapping and cheering. “I know you like simple, so I did what I thought was simply beautiful.” He said, as he placed the ring on my finger and added. “I hope you like it.” The ring is a 2kt white gold French set halo diamond. “I love it and I love you.” I said as everyone surrounded us.

    Who would have thought two strangers would meet by chance and connect on all levels. Two strangers, not looking but unexpectedly finding what they needed. Love happens and when it does you must be open to receive it and give it back boldly and with an open heart. Until later.  S.B. Auzenne 

 

Monsters Within

I feel a roar in my head. A fire in my belly. I want to unleash it. I wanna allow it to consume me. Release it and be damn of the consequences.  I wish to smash things, run around and scream. I long to just be my old self, to not have this rage. Unnerving, unappealing, distasteful,  misunderstood, unapologetic rumble of rage.  Who is this monster that exist in so many of us? Why do you appear? Is it fear? Is it depression? Is it not knowing who you really are? What and why you feel what you feel? A monster hides away deep within, not knowing when it will resurface,  when it will peek out and unleash a rapage of horror. Verbally shrink you in size and cause you to hide while that rage, that fury consumes who you really are. I hold a monster inside out of fear, for if it’s unleash I’m afraid of what it will say. I’m afraid that I want be able to hide it back any longer, or that I may not even want too. Maybe I should set myself free and unleash me.

Fairytales

When you are little you watch these wonderfully created Disney princess movies with happy endings and you daydream and or  fantasize about being a princess and having your happy ending. Then you grow into your teens and you watch stuff like sixteen candles and robin hood, with Kevin costumer and that damn Bryan Adams song, where he sings, everything I do, I do it for you. Yeah, really, I want that, I thought. Then I became an adult and I got sucked in over and over again with movies like Me Before You, Something Borrowed, Leap Year, Lake House, Serendipity and Everything, Everything.  I mean come on, I know it’s fictional and that what’s happening on the screen will never happen in real life. Maybe, probably not. Oh hell, I know this fairytale bullshit is just that. But I just can’t help but be drawn in, I love the idea of love, I guess. What could be, if just maybe you take a leap. The what if, opens up so many possibilities, and that leads to hope and that hope just may lead you into loving arms that’s been waiting for you. Just saying that last sentence seems like such BS. I guess I’m becoming more cynical with age. Until next time.