Trust your inner self

This statement is really hard for me lately I start with a true conviction of how I feel then I begin to doubt myself. I began to question my thoughts, my feelings. This self doubting person is not who I truly am. Yes I have my insecurities but I have always known what I wanted and I have always been someone who says what she needs to say and stand by it. I have of lately found that person, but she has been dormant for so long that it’s so easy to go back into my shell and just be quiet. Silence the inner me, the real me. I constantly tell my kids to be true to themselves and to not allow fear to detour them from their dreams or the things they really want in life, So shouldn’t I take the same advice. It’s funny how it’s so hard for people to listen to their own words and abide by them. Trusting yourself, your decisions and knowing that you will be okay. You have to be true to your values, to yourself, and to hell with whatever people may think or say. Fuck em. Some days it’s a fight to maintain my faith and hope. I feel as if I’m standing in a shit storm that I’m allowing myself to be pulled in. I seem to absorb all the bad energy around me and I sink in it. Then I become this shell of myself and because I’m someone who wants to make others feel better, it affects me on a deeper level and I feel as if I can’t pull myself out of the sunken dark hole that I’m allowing them to hold me in. It’s almost as if I’m punishing myself. That is something I truly have to work on. Learning to let go of that toxic energy and realizing that it’s not my job to help everyone. Some people just need you to listen and let them figure stuff out and not soak up their energy just be able to be still and then move on, that’s really hard for me, I’m a work in progress when it comes to letting go and moving on. This is where I have to truly trust myself to do what’s best for me and my happiness. I matter and I’m strong enough and have enough faith to get me through all things. I need to remember who I truly am and that person is pretty awesome.

S.B.Auzenne

Being truthful

  • To be honest is to be brave and to be brave takes a lot of faith. For without faith there can’t be hope. — some people don’t want to hear the truth, they feel that it can be to painful. But I’m someone who would rather know the truth then to be lied too or played for a fool. Telling people how you feel, what your feeling. Just being able to communicate what this life that we’re suppose to be living is doing to us. The anger, depression, frustration that comes with day to day life bullshit. My Truth- why am I still with a man that hasn’t wanted me since probably around 2013/2014, definitely by 2016. I mean it was somewhere around that time that he stopped talking to me, sharing his thoughts and feelings, his fears, his worries. He begin to look at me differently. He’s constantly up and down emotionally and I can’t help him because he want allow me and he doesn’t love himself enough to allow the help. I am so lonely some days, I miss having someone to talk to about my day or someone to care about my wellbeing or just love on me. I long for laughter and hugs, loving eyes looking upon my face. I yearn to feel close to another, to lay underneath one another while watching tv. If I’m being truthful, I miss being loved. S.B. Auzenne

Just a dream

“Man my head hurts. Why did you make me take those shots last night? You know I’m a light weight.” “You’re not lying about that, you were pretty much gone after two drinks.” “What the hell, who are you? And how did you get in my room?” “I’m Alex, the love of your life and we met last night. You, me, Ava, and my best friend Josh had a few drinks and played pool. You said you were here for a girls getaway. You told me that you needed a clean slate, to start over. To live life to the fullest. You told me I had kind eyes.”  “Okay, but that doesn’t explain how you ended up here with me, and why am I looking at a wedding band on my left hand.” Alex raised up his left hand to show the wedding band on his hand. “Looks like we got married last night.” “How is that possible, it’s not like we’re in Vegas. We’re in Colorado, who would have married us. It can’t be legal, okay don’t freak out.” “I’m not freaking out, but you seem like your about to pop. Maybe you should sit down.” “I can’t breathe, this can’t be happening to me. I just walked away from an engagement with a man that I’ve loved my whole life to end up on a girls trip and married to a perfect stranger. This can not be happening to me. I need Ava, where is she? Is she with your friend?” “Yes and they both are on their way here now.” Three minutes later there was a knock at the door and Lauren nearly knocked Alex down to answer it. “Sorry dude I need my girl. I can’t believe you let me stay in a hotel room with a perfect stranger. What’s up with that, your suppose to be my best friend.”  “ First things first, good morning and second, congratulations you seem to have gotten married. I don’t know how you runaway from one commitment and end up married anyway.” “This is not funny Ava. How did we end up separated?”  “Josh and I went to the dance floor to dance and when we looked back you and Alex were gone. We looked for you guys for awhile and then decided to grab a bite and on our way back to the hotel we found the both of you passed out on the bench in the lobby. We placed y’all in the room and went for coffee since we didn’t really want to call it a night. We actually hit it off.” Ava turned to Josh and gave a little smirk and wink. “This is a dream right? I’m asleep right now and known of this is real. I would have never married someone I just met even if he was as hot as you are.” “So you think I’m hot?” “You know you are, that’s how I know this is a dream. In the real world you wouldn’t question your hotness. I want out of this dream, this is stupid. “Kiss me” Alex said “wait, what?” Alex lips were warm and sweet. His embrace strong yet gentle. “Wake up Lauren, Wake up, Wake up!” “Ma’am we’re going to be closing soon, would you like for me to call you a taxi, Uber or a lyft?” Lauren looked around dazed and  realized that she had fell asleep In a booth at her favorite café. In front of her on the table laid divorce papers, with her signature at the bottom. A single tear ran down her face and she smiled. No, but thank you, I’m good.

‘I want to love you’

Yesterday, this is what I was told. I want to love you, but….. I don’t know about anyone else but hearing that troubled me. I mean it really bothered me. Loving someone should be an easy thing, right? At least I believe it should be. To love someone regardless of their flaws can be difficult for some, but that unconditional love is what I believe most of us truly want. To be able to be your true self and have someone see you, I mean really see you and love all of you. The good, the bad and the ugly.  I believe that when you truly love someone, that’s how you’re suppose to love them. Some people are only suppose to be in your life for a season, not for the rest of your life. Love isn’t something that you can just turn on and off like a light switch. I want to love you but… What does that even mean? I want to love you, but you make it hard. somethings in life are worth fighting for and it want be easy. I want to love you, but I just can’t open up to you. Being vulnerable, sharing that private part of yourself, that’s love. I love you, but because of my insecurities I can’t see that I’m the reason I can’t love you. So because of some things that happen to you as a child, that you haven’t yet dealt with, I have to suffer. I want to love you, but it’s hard for me to communicate or express myself. Communication is the key to a healthy relationship. If you want to love me, then love me. Tell me what’s going on with you. What you’re feeling. What you want out of this relationship. Just share your life with me and don’t run away when things get a little uncomfortable. Stand for me, for us. Love me enough to love me through the ups and the downs. Instead of looks that could kill, maybe try looking at me with an open heart. You might need some time to learn to love yourself before you can understand how to love me. Twenty years of my love, my support, my understanding, my loyalty. Twenty years of sarcasm, my fowl mouth, my giving heart, my sharp tongue. I’m a flawed individual, but when I love, I love whole heartedly. I give you my all, my everything. Then you turn around and say it aint enough, by your words and your actions. I feel as if you want all the riches of the world and I’m unable to lavish you as you desire. I want to love you, but…This has triggered some of my insecurities. Why is it when someone has told you over and over with their words and their actions that you aren’t the one, you keep holding on thinking that just maybe you’ll be enough, but you know deep down that you never will be. Now you’re seeing my insecurities. They keep me hanging on even when I know I should move on. My love and fear keep me paralyzed, glued to where I stand. What keeps you linked to me, I know its not love, because you want to love me, but…. But do you even like me? I wish I could see your heart, cause your words and your eyes, their tearing me apart. You leave me laying motionless, bitter and broken. I want to love you. Then love me.

S.B. Auzenne

“Love recognizes no barriers. It jumps hurdles, leaps fences, penetrates walls to arrive at its destination full of hope.”   Maya Angelou..

Kindness

This word has been hunting me lately. Nagging at my soul.  To be kind, can be difficult when you have someone treating you unfairly, yet they want to be treated with kindness and a gentle hand. You see my first instinct is to treat them as I have been treated. Then this voice within yells, screams, KINDNESS! And I lay down my sword of words and quiet my mind and allow peace to comfort me. I have to believe that those who seek to keep me in a box, to contain my opinion or my wit. For those who subject me to the pain they hold within. I have to believe that I’m hearing that word KINDNESS for a reason. That I’m being tested and although I want to lash out, I don’t, I won’t. I smile and show kindness, cause my heart, my spirit needs the peace. SBA

You

6/5/18

You look at me as if you know me. The real me. The me I hide from everyone else. You love me as I love myself. Openly and unconditionally. You see the truth that I hide through my pain, and sarcasm. You cut through my sharp words and see me despite what I say. You some how connect with me. You know me as I  know myself.  I have found you, you whom I’ve felt in my spirit for so long. You, who have seen me, the true me like know other has. I’m almost there, almost ready for what lyes ahead. I’m almost ready for you to love me, as you already do. For you to look at me as you do. I’m tired of hiding, pretending to be, what I’m clearly not. I’m almost ready, yet still afraid that you just may not be ready for who I am. For who I am may not be who I truly am.

S.B. Auzenne

 

Black Panther

Black Panther, this is what everybody has been talking about. I too, have seen the movie. I went opening weekend, something I usually don’t do. But this movie was special to me and my kids. We are big Marvel fans that were excited about seeing this extraordinary cast of all black, talented, beautiful and handsome individuals.  I was so excited about this movie after getting a taste of the black panther in Captain America ‘Civil War’ Chadwicks Boseman is an actor that draws you in and captivates you with his portrayal of whatever charater he is taking on. He had me thinking he was really TChalla King of Wakanda. Truly loved him in this movie. I’m not very biased, being that I have loved to him in everything that I’ve seen him in. Wakanda forever! Plus the brother is not bad on the eyes. 😉

Okay, forgive me for my procrastinating, but I have been mentally unable to write. I just haven’t been able to get my thoughts together. Now just like alot of people this past weekend. I went and saw Black Panther. I sat in a packed theater with my popcorn, water and candy, and barely ate any of it, because I was so memorized by this movie. It kept me drawn in even during the split second of a slow moving section of the movie. But then Bam! The section is over and I am clapping, laughing, crying, cheering, I’m just a ball of emotions watching this thought provoking and funny film. Visually this movie was spectacular, I mean the special effect are off the chain, when I tell you I must have said look how beautiful at least 10 times, at least to myself that is. The special effects and the visual aspects of this movie, was phenomenal, I mean spectacular, the wardrobe was so creatively thought through and beautiful . The details, I mean every little detail were stunning. I fell in love with these characters. From the strong women defending Wakanda to the love between brother and sister TChalla and Shuri. Their brother sister relationship was fun and lighthearted and very comical. Shuri (Letitia Wright) was definitely  my favorite character, she’s  smart, beautiful and quick on her feet with the little jives at her brother. There were exceptional performance from everyone all around. Danai Gurira, Michael B. Jordan, Lupita Nyong’o, Daniel Kaluuya, Winston Duke along with many others. This action packed movie was a work of art directed by 31 year old Ryan Coolgler. He captured the beauty of a fictional place and made me feel as if I was apart of Wakanda. Now every great super hero movie needs an even greater villian, and you gave me a villian I could love and hate. You feel empathy for the Killmonger character (Michael B. Jordan) Then he does what he does and says what he says, and your like damn, he’s a monster. An angry man, filled with rage and recentment. He was totally vicious. What I really liked about this movie is that there was a message there. You leave there thinking this was awesome. This was beyond exceptional and then you start thinking about how we can’t live in our own little bubble and not see what’s going on around us and not react or try to help in anyway we can. We can know longer stay silent. We will know longer stand by while people are suffering, hungry or thirsty for knowledge that is out of their reach. By working together the cycle can be broken. This movie was deep. Two thumbs way up.  The music was also great throughout the entire movie. Once you see this movie, you will understand the excitement behind it. Go and see it!

S.B. Auzenne